I’m having a bit of an off-day.  I don’t feel like doing anything, but I know I need to get things done.  I’m a little moody, a little depressive, but for the most part, I’m okay.  I thinking getting out of the house and doing something would help, but I can’t think of anywhere to go, and James is at work until 11 tonight.  So, it’s just me, the cat, a computer, and a few Tarot decks. 

When I get moody like this, I try to do an exercise I like from Mary K. Greer’s book “Tarot for Your Self“.  Instead of shuffling my deck and letting the cards come to me, I go through the deck, looking at each card and picking the one that best describes how I feel at that given time.  Then I picture myself as a figure in the card and describe in first-person present tense exactly how I feel, as if the actions in the card were happening to me.  Being poetic, this gets kind of lengthy for me, but as long as it makes me feel better, I don’t think I can complain.

Today, I feel like the Four of Cups.

There is a lot of work to do.  Four filled cups stand before me, all waiting to be checked off my to-do list.  Even in the solace I find in the dark woods they still chase me.  Bad news has made its way to me.  I feel the loss of a friend from long ago.  It doesn’t cripple me, but it still works its way through.  There are other things I want to spend my time on right now.  I want to write and read and do all my creative stuff today.  But I feel like I’ve put off doing other, more “important” things this week to focus on “expendables.”  I feel like I need to seek external advice from someone, but I’m not sure who to ask.  I’m trying not to compare myself to others.  I’m trying not to think about how like others around me that I am, while at the same time part of me points out that my worries and anxieties are unnecessary, that no one is going to notice if I don’t complete my work.  But someone will; me.  And it’ll nag at me until I do it.  Only I’m never sure when it’s done.  Or when I can rest.  Maybe I should rest. Four is a restive number.  A lucky number.  A stable number.  A number I’ve unconsciously been drawn to all my life.

I know what I have to do; accept the emotions I feel right now and let them pass.  There’s no other way.  Just let them pass.  Rest, and let them move me in some directions, while making my way towards the directions I need to go.

This too, shall pass.